Ever Since Then
by Arianna555
Summary: Sometimes things are wonderful. And sometimes they're not. The simplest things can remind you, but there's always the question of whether you want them to. Literati [discont.]
1. Child Psychology

Ever Since Then

Chapter 1 – Child Psychology

Disclaimer: You all know I don't own any books, movies, songs, or GG. Although I know who'd come back to SH right now if I did own GG…lol. 

Thanks to Jessa for beta-ing!

A/N: I just got this idea…even though I wasn't going to write any more new fics! It's in Rory's POV, and it's a future fic, kind of AU. This is gonna be more serious than most of my fics have been so far, but I like the way it's going so far… I hope you like it! Sorry this is kind of short; I promise it will get longer! ~Arianna

"And I think to myself…what a wonderful world…"

_Yeah right_, she thought bitterly, reaching over to switch off the CD player. Joey Ramone's voice abruptly disappeared from her apartment.

Silence again.

How unusual.

Every day was silence now; nothing ever seemed to go right anymore. Ever since…ever since he left. Whose fault had it been? She wasn't sure. But that didn't matter anymore.

She absentmindedly took a book off her shelf. Reading wasn't the same either—she couldn't entirely lose herself in the story anymore. There was always something in the back of her mind, reminding her. Whether he'd loved the book or hated it—they had discussed every book she owned. And it was a painful memory.

Opening the cover, she saw her name written at the front, in blue ballpoint pen, in her neat handwriting: Rory Gilmore. There was the title page: The Fountainhead.

Then she turned the page, and froze. She had put this copy away, had hidden it, had tried not to think about it. It was from back when she was eighteen and happy and the world seemed perfect. She didn't want to think about this now.

Yet there, on the page in front of her, were the dark letters, yellowed pages, and the margins covered with handwriting that was entirely too familiar.

~~~~~~*Flashback*~~~~~~

_"So it wasn't so bad, huh?" she grinned at him._

_"Oh, it was bad."_

_"Yeah, yeah. I don't believe you."_

_Jess put his arm around her and handed her the book, which she eagerly opened, and started reading his observations._

_"Hey, it doesn't sound like you hated it," Rory commented._

_"You're on the third page," he pointed out. Rory smiled silently and continued walking with him, still reading, letting him guide her._

_They got to the bridge and sat close together, as she rested her head on his shoulder. He wrapped his jacket around her; icy early spring winds beginning to blow toward them. But Rory stopped shivering, happily setting The Fountainhead down beside her, as he leaned over and kissed her. She could read what he'd thought of it another time. Right now…_

_She kissed him back._

~~~~~~*End Flashback*~~~~~~

She wouldn't cry. No, no, definitely not. This was over; it had happened; there was nothing she could do.

She hadn't cried about Jess yet, although it had been months. She just wasn't willing to give in.

She wouldn't. She _would_ be okay.

Rory hurriedly reached out to turn her stereo back on, trying to find something else to concentrate on. Something besides not crying. "Child Psychology" was on.

She lay back on her bed, staring up at the mostly blank wall in front of her. There were a few posters of bands, countries, and books around the apartment, but right now most of it was empty. She used to have pictures everywhere. Pictures of her and Jess. Pictures of her mom and her friends. Rory had taken down all the pictures of Stars Hollow, as well as the ones of Jess, because they too brought so many memories. And all of them, happy or sad—they really hurt.

"Life is unfair…kill yourself or get over it…" sang in her ears.

_A little extreme, but true…_ She sighed. "Life is unfair…"

Rory sat up suddenly and shoved the book back onto the shelf, fiercely, covering it with Mansfield Park.

How could she distract herself? She didn't have anything to get up and do… She had graduated from Yale a while ago. When she'd first graduated, she was thinking about all the time she would have with Jess. About finding a great job.

Now she worked part time at an ad agency. The rest of the time, she was at her apartment. Like this.

The light, supposedly at the end of the tunnel, had surrounded her in high school; at the beginning of college. Now that light lay around a bend she was all too far away from; one she couldn't seem to reach.

Lying back down, Rory continued staring at the wall, counting the cracks in the paint.

She used to put her favorite pictures there, so she could see them from where she was now. So they could bring her back to those moments…

~~~~~~*Flashback*~~~~~~

_They walked into the diner, both laughing. "You're the book tease!" Rory said._

_"Hey, I just started it."_

_"Well, you didn't have to show me! You know how tempting that is."_

_"All too well," Jess grinned._

_"I hate you." She made a face at him._

_He pulled her closer, right in front of the door, and kissed her gently. "Better?"_

_"Hmmm…almost." He kissed her again, just as Lorelai came down from the apartment with Luke._

_"Get a room!" Lorelai called teasingly from across the diner._

_"Mom!" Rory said, grinning at Jess again._

_"You were in it," Jess replied smoothly._

_"I'm gonna get you for that, diner boy," Lorelai joked._

_"So what were you guys doing?" Rory asked, changing the subject. She wasn't concentrating on the conversation—she was concentrating on the way Jess was holding her, and she couldn't stop smiling._

_"Luke fixed it," Lorelai said happily, holding up her new camera._

_"I found batteries," Luke deadpanned, hiding his grin._

_"Ah, same difference."_

_Rory laughed again, going over to the counter with Jess, lightly wrapping her arm around his waist. He tightened his arm around her shoulders._

_"Awww, you guys look so cute together," Lorelai smiled._

_"Looking for a subject?" Rory asked, knowing her mom too well._

_"Come on, let me take a picture."_

_Rory looked up at Jess._

_"You're lucky I love you," he said quietly._

_She leaned closer. "I love you too," she whispered back. Neither of them noticed Lorelai beside them. _

Click_, went the camera…_

~~~~~~*End Flashback*~~~~~~

The song was still on. "Life is unfair…"


	2. Challenge What the Future Holds

Ever Since Then 

Chapter 2 – Challenge what your future holds

Disclaimer: You all know I don't own GG or anything to do with it, and I also don't own any of the songs used. The ad agency is not real; I made it up. Also: I know I altered the lyrics to Sarah McLachlan's song a little, for the story…but just try to work with me here. lol. 

A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews!! Once again, I promise: I will finish all my fics eventually! I am putting a hold on "Believe Me, I'll Be There" though, like a 3rd priority… I've been really busy with school and everything lately, but this is the fic I'm having the most fun with now…I hope to update quicker; I know it's been forever but now I actually have ideas…  Just to make this clear: this is a pretty AU fic—after Rory and Jess got together, it's different…they had a great relationship…you'll see! It should get a lot clearer as this goes on. Thanks again to Jessa for giving me a great idea for this chapter, even though that was like 2 months ago! **Also: if you haven't read the edited version of the 1st chapter, go back and read it! I changed some things…** And I did do research on ad agencies, but if what's in here isn't exactly right I'm sorry, and I hope it's okay. Sorry for the long A/N! I'll be writing a lot over vacation, so hopefully I can update a lot when I get back… And I hope all you guys have a great New Year!!

This is dedicated to all the amazing fic writers who keep the lit love alive!

****************************

Rory woke up the next morning, the same way she had for what seemed like countless weeks. That first, momentary stab of pain, when she opened her eyes and everything was silent. Yet another way to show her that she was alone.

There were so many things in her life that she never thought she would get used to. Moving away from the Inn at eleven, going to Chilton when she was sixteen, and college most of all. But she had gotten used to those things. She had gotten used to this too.

Rory shook off the sudden emptiness, got out of bed, showered and dressed. She organized her folders, then found her book and her CDs.

She walked down the stairs and out to the parking lot, heading to drive to work. Everything was ready—she was ahead of herself. But that was almost a constant now. Rory didn't have to worry about anything besides this job anymore, and getting ahead was all too easy.

She was working at the Geyser Advertisement Agency, at what was known as the "small town Connecticut" branch. It was fine. A part-time job that wasn't awful, and wasn't always particularly boring. That was all she could say for it. This wasn't her original dream, and she didn't mean it to be.

Since she was six or seven, Rory had told people she wanted to be a journalist. But the spark that had been in her eyes when she said it had now almost entirely disappeared.

She'd had fun, right? It wasn't like she'd hated her whole life. Wasn't this just living? Nothing could always be perfect…

Rory reached out to turn on the car radio; to the one reasonable station this town had.

Sarah McLachlan… 

"I will remember you…will you remember me…don't let your life pass you by…we live for the memories…"

_It's only a song_, Rory thought. _It doesn't mean that's what everybody lives for…_

~~~~~~~~Flashback~~~~~~~~

"It's too much," Rory said to him immediately, as soon as she stepped off the bus.

_"Rory?" Jess stepped closer, handing her a cup of Luke's coffee. She sighed. _

_"Thanks…"_

_He took the textbooks she was carrying out of her arms, holding them in his left hand. "I'll get that." He put his arm around her. "What's wrong?"_

_She took a deep breath, getting close to tears. "It's nothing."_

_Jess didn't reply. He knew she would tell him, and it didn't take long._

_"There's so much to do," she said finally. "I don't know if I can get it done…it's been hard until now, but it's never seemed impossible and now it does and my finals are coming up and there are those projects and the paper and—"_

_"Rory, stop," he said. She was freaking out as usual, but she would get everything under control._

_"Everything…" she said softly, almost finishing her sentence. She started to protest, but he kissed her before she got a chance to. She smiled for the first time that day, pulling him closer, returning his kisses._

_This was why she loved him. This was one of so many reasons…_

_He put his arm around her again; she did the same. They continued walking._

_"Jess?"_

_"Uh huh?"_

_"More coffee," she said simply. Jess couldn't help grinning, glad she was smiling again._

"Luke's got the decaf all ready," he teased… 

~~~~~~~~End Flashback~~~~~~~~

Everyone had always said she should look forward; concentrate on the future. And she had, despite caring about the present and the past just as much. Maybe she'd looked too far forward. Maybe she'd overlooked something she had needed to see. Maybe this was all her fault. It wouldn't be the first time.

She pulled into the parking lot, taking out the key without waiting to hear the end of the song, the way she used to.

"…standing on the edge of something much too deep—" the radio sang.

Almost mechanically, Rory picked up her bag and got out of the car. This was her job, her life, her purpose now. There was no reason not to do it, not to work at it. She hadn't lost that part of herself, and she doubted she ever would, whether it was a good quality or not.

Her mind went both ways. Despite working hard at her current job, Rory wouldn't get up quite enough energy to convince herself that she should be doing more with her life.

She opened the door of the Geyser building; walked past the front desk, heading to her office at the back of the first floor.

People didn't smile and say hi to her—they were working, as usual. They weren't unfriendly; they just weren't friendly either. _Welcome to my life_, she thought.

Rory sat down, setting her bag at her feet and several folders, filled with papers, on her desk.

"Miss Gilmore?"

She rolled her eyes and looked up. Mr. Halden was standing at her door, a tall man in his thirties or forties, dressed in a gray suit. He always had a no-nonsense attitude about him, and he had a particular "imposing" stance he liked to use when standing in his employees' doorways.

All in all, Rory had decided, he wasn't as bad as he could be. She had gotten used to him, his requests, and the clients he introduced her to—he just liked the idea of "boss" a bit too much.

"Mr. Halden?" she replied. He was going to come up with another stupid job for her to do. Boring task after boring task gave her too much time to think; too much time to remember things she didn't want to remember. But again, there was nothing she could do…

"Someone contacted me yesterday," he informed her. He wants an advertisement…the information is in my office. He seems like an interesting character; man by the name of…well, the information is on my desk. I'll get it for you later."

She nodded. No 'I want you to' or 'You have to' or 'You must.' Not even a 'Get me coffee.' Unusual. He must really want her to handle this one. _Everyone else busy? Or else he really is an interesting character…_

Rory sat back down at her desk, turning on the stereo and beginning to file her papers.

She obviously hadn't been the last person in here. Another employee, one of the cleaning staff…someone. She didn't mind, but had to disagree with their music choice. The radio was tuned to a local soft rock station, but the song playing was not as bad as usual: "You Gotta Be," by Des'ree…

Rory stopped filing and listened for a moment.

"…listen as your day unfolds, challenge what the future holds, try and keep your head up to the sky…"

Too many memories came with those lyrics, the way they seemed to come with everything these days. Hopes she'd had. Challenges she had looked forward to. Triumphs she had achieved and had celebrated with people she loved, back in Stars Hollow. And it had led to this, despite everything. Things like that didn't last…

~~~~~~~~Flashback~~~~~~~~

_She opened the mailbox slowly, carefully, excited but scared at the same time. Reaching in, she pulled out a letter, then another, then another. They were big, pretty heavy, and they looked and felt important. They felt…felt Ivy League._

_Rory opened them, just as carefully, and read the first lines of each. A small smile spread across her face. She closed them and hurried to the diner, running through the moonlit streets._

It was empty already. Everyone was gone; the 'closed' sign on the door. But Jess was there, wiping down the counter, and he looked up as she rushed inside.

_"Rory?"_

_"Jess…" she said breathlessly._

_He spotted the envelopes in her hand. "Hey…"_

_She answered his question before he asked it. "It is.." she said, barely believing it herself. "Harvard, Princeton, Yale. Jess, I got in!"_

_He grinned for her. "You got in."_

_She shook her head. "I really got in…"_

Jess went around the counter, slipping his arms around her waist and leaning in, softly touching his lips to hers. He kissed her, then kissed her again, and wouldn't stop. She didn't want him to.

They broke apart reluctantly. "I can't believe it," she said quietly. "I've wanted this for so long. It doesn't seem real. I don't even—" 

"Rory," he said, stopping her.

_She laughed in relief. It was over: the worrying that she wasn't good enough, hadn't worked hard enough, that everything she'd done just wasn't enough for this._

_Jess shook his head. She would always be Rory._

_"I'm really proud of you," he said quietly._

_"Jess…" She didn't reply, just threw her arms around him; hugged him tightly and refused to let go. It surprised him: he hugged her back, trying not to laugh, relieved for Rory…_

_She went home eventually, walking directly into her mom, holding up the letters nervously, not knowing what to say. Lorelai grinned triumphantly, like she had known it all along. Rory almost believed she had, in a way… "You did it, babe."_

Rory shook her head again, still in shock, but smiling. "Wow…" 

~~~~~~~~End Flashback~~~~~~~~

So many dreams had come true that night. Rory still remembered all her ideas and hopes; all the visions she'd had  of college and of her future; visions she had looked forward to and couldn't wait for.

None of them had involved anything like this.

The song went on; she still didn't change it.

 "…lovers, they may cause you tears…go ahead, release your fears…stand up and be counted, don't be ashamed to cry…"

Stand up and be counted. Hah. She wasn't an anchor at CNN—she wasn't even carrying sandwiches around its offices.

She was an accounting adviser at a small ad agency in Connecticut. She talked to clients and handled most costs and helped create ads, and it was an okay job. And she did not think she was making a difference.

Lovers cause her tears?

She still refused to cry. It wouldn't help, only hurt, like nearly everything did. _'Don't be ashamed to cry'…it's just a song…_

Rory didn't want to hear this anymore. She would go back to filing, concentrating on mundane, normal numbers instead of all these painful memories. It was easier to just ignore it.

Still, it was a minute or so before she reached out to change the radio station.

"…you gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger…"

She couldn't change this now. She would keep going, keep working, keep trying. That was all she could do. There was nothing she could change…

She would look forward to meeting this new client. However uninteresting this new job was, it was something else to concentrate on.

What else was there?


	3. Something to Sleep To

Ever Since Then

Chapter 3 - Something to Sleep To

Disclaimer: I don't own GG or anything to do with it, as you all know. I can't say I wouldn't be writing fics if I did, because I recently rediscovered how much I love doing this, but I wouldn't be writing this much, nor would I be crazy enough to start this many fics at once. lol. I don't own any books mentioned, I don't own any movies mentioned, and I don't own any songs. The song used in this chapter belongs to Michelle Branch. I don't even own this computer completely, although I have to say I wish I did. And the credit for the idea of Rory ordering a salad when she's upset goes to Ali and her epic POGG!

A/N: Thanks for the reviews!! I really have ideas for this fic now, and I think it's looking like a pretty long one, so I hope to update around once a week, on average. I know I'll be busy with school, but I'm gonna _try_ to...ah...prioritize better this semester. Just got my exams back, so I have more time than I did before... And I'm gonna try to be less lazy! lol. And hey, I know you guys don't know what I'm planning for this fic, but still if you have any possible suggestions for songs to use, let me know! I can't promise I'll use it, but I'd love possibilities. I hope all of you had a great holiday break and new year! 2004's gonna be great...I hope. *hands out chocolate chip cookies* And I'm sorry this has taken so long to post, it was supposed to be up a week ago…lol. My computer… I hope you like this! ~Ari

This is dedicated to all the great people who have stuck with my stories and kept reviewing, despite all the slow updating and not-finishing (yet) of stories, and the long A/Ns--I really, really, appreciate all the support!! You guys rock!

*********************

Rory sighed and put down a last folder, capping her pen and getting up to go to the "Geyser Complementary Lunch." Mr. Halden was in an unusually good mood today. She knew it was nothing special...probably he had just finished his work.

_Well, great for him..._ She closed her office door and headed to the cafeteria, sitting down at a plastic table with a few others.

Rory picked up her fork and started toying with it, moving leaves of her salad around her plate. Her dislike for salads, vegetables, and green things in general hadn't changed. Unless they were green gummy bears or something of the kind...

She remembered her mom's idea of "lettuce essence" on hamburgers...the movie nights...the diner...Luke's breakfasts with threats of spinach and egg whites...the way Jess would never let her order a salad, because he knew she was upset.

Taking a few quick bites, she told her mind to shut up, threw her stuff away, and returned to her office. She would finish this today, and tomorrow she could...stay in her apartment. Like that last weekend. She shivered at the memory. Those lonely weekends could really hurt.

Or she could do something. Something that didn't involve boring jobs, painful memories, annoying music or salads...

Rory sat down at her desk, reaching for her computer keyboard and automatically checking her email. There was a new message, highlighted in blue, holding something important. Clicking on the link, the words spread across her screen:

_Miss Gilmore--_

_The information for the new client--more detailed information available, will be in your office later._

_Ad - for publishing co._

_Name - J.M., editor_

_Additional - simple ad, running for short time, to promote company (books?)_

_Phone - 565-0219. Please contact asap._

_Darren Halden_

She glanced over it once; then read it over with slightly more interest. This sounded better than her usual jobs. An editor... She would get the information and invite him to the office or to lunch. Rory read over it a third time, making sure she hadn't missed anything. And she did notice something else.

J.M. It would never get away from her. She was irrevocably tied to Stars Hollow. To memories of school and laughter and town meetings and her mom and Lane and Luke, and Jess most of all. That could be a good thing. She would never forget. But she couldn't escape from the pain that went with the memories of the good times in her life, and right now not forgetting didn't seem like anything good.

J.M. Of course, it was her life. And it would probably turn out to be some weird, self-centered, forty-year-old editor whose name was Jeremy Mendelsohn or something.

_That won't be a disappointment_, Rory told herself. _It's a good thing. It's better this way. And there's no way..._ She shook her head.

She would finish filing these papers, get the information to look at later, and go to the local bookstore. That would give her something to occupy herself with; something other than 'What if's and 'I wonder's...she'd had enough of those for a lifetime. At least, it felt that way.

Again, she turned on the stereo, this time slipping in a CD she'd brought. It began playing, and Rory bent over the desk, trying yet again to focus.

It was Michelle Branch; her first album. Something people didn't tend to expect her to like, but she did. Quiet, but not depressing... Sometimes, especially lately, she thought that if she heard too much more music like "Child Psychology," she would go crazy. She almost felt like she would start believing those lyrics. And even if that was how she felt sometimes, she didn't need or want that.

She pressed a button a few times, skipping songs, and "Something to Sleep To" began to play.

"...she's his yellow brick road, leading him on..."

There had been a time when Rory had her own life under control; when there were other people in her life whom she thought could do more than they were doing. When the highlight of a year was not getting a job that she'd never considered for herself, but was the excitement of someone doing something Rory, at least, had always known was possible. Someone she cared about. Someone she now really...no...not now...she wouldn't think about that.

_Someone she now really missed_, Rory had been about to think. But she couldn't admit that to herself yet. She wasn't entirely ready to think it all through. She wasn't sure she deserved to be this upset. But she wasn't used to this; she didn't know what to do; she couldn't help it. She wasn't ready to cry.

The song continued playing. "...letting him go as far..."

~~~~~~~~Flashback~~~~~~~~

_"I'm sorry, were you going to sit here?" Lorelai said to a couple who were just setting their things down on a table at Luke's. "Because I really don't think I can make it all the way to another table--"_

_"Mom," Rory said, biting back a laugh and pushing her toward the table by the window. She turned back for a moment, calling "Just ignore her" over her shoulder._

_Lorelai sat down and leaned on the table. "I need caffeine. Go yell at Mr. Monosyllable for me."_

_"He's serving someone else," Rory pointed out._

_"Have I taught you nothing?" Rory gave her mom the same look Lorelai was giving her, still fighting laughter. "Fine. I'll just die over here. Sad. Lonely. Without one last cup of coffee..."_

_"You go. You're better at it anyway."_

_"Practice," Lorelai said simply, finally getting up and waving her coffee cup at Luke. Rory glanced absentmindedly around the diner. There was movement in the storeroom. She slipped past Caesar, hurried behind the counter and stood in the doorway. "Anything wrong?"_

_Jess got off the crate he was sitting on and put down his book. "Me?"_

_"Oh, no, I talk to potato chips. You didn't know that?"_

_He rolled his eyes. "Why would anything be wrong?"_

_"I know you. What's going on, Jess? What's with the 'let's sit in Luke's storeroom and read' thing?" Rory smiled a little in spite of herself. He looked good, sitting there. Except there was this look on his face...a look that wasn't usually there. And she would know..._

_Jess shrugged. "Felt like trying something different."_

_"Right," Rory said skeptically._

_"Hey, you gotta have the choices. Where to sit, what to read..."_

_"Well, you don't have to explain. I can totally see why you'd want to sit--" she squinted at the cardboard boxes--"on shipments of peanut butter."_

_"Nowhere more comfortable." His voice had the usual cockiness, and the usual note of 'I don't care what you think' confidence, but he was twisting his hands almost nervously._

_"Jess!"_

_He looked down. "I don't know how to say this."_

_"Any way is fine," she assured him._

_"I got a letter the other day."_

_"From whom?" she asked, confused._

_"Ror..." he paused, partly for effect, partly because he wasn't sure how she would react. He said it quickly, all at once. "I got into Connecticut State."_

_"Oh my God!" Rory shrieked._

_"Calm down!" Jess laughed a little, in relief. "Are you that surprised?"_

_"No--Jess--I--" She hit him playfully. "Oh my God, you really did it."_

_"I guess."_

_Rory reached up, put her arms around his neck, and kissed him--a long, fierce kiss that neither of them wanted to end. _

_"I'm so proud of you," Rory told him breathlessly, as they reluctantly broke apart. _

_"Look, Rory, it doesn't matter," he said uncomfortably._

_"It matters. It matters a lot." She gave him yet another hug. "I love you!" He finally smiled, even if it was just slightly. "And hey, being in the storeroom?"_

_"Yeah?" he said, leaning closer to her, a new look in his eyes._

_"Good idea."_

_"What can I say?" He didn't move away._

_"Well of course, since you're so smart." Rory grinned proudly, at least as excited as Jess was over the news. "Hey, you have the letter here somewhere, don't you?"_

_"No--" he began. She spotted the piece of paper in his pocket and grabbed it, gleefully, hurrying to the door. "Where are you going?" he demanded._

_"This needs to go on the refrigerator." Rory grinned at him and went to put it up, but he caught her halfway there, behind the counter, kissing her to shut her up. She kissed him back, gently, sweetly, and then pulled away slightly, his arms still around her. "I'm so proud of you, Jess," she repeated, in a whisper._

_And for a quick second, even with all the talking and food; crowds and lines of people all around the diner--everything was almost quiet. And to the two of them, the world was more vivid and real than it had been in a long time. The worrying was over..._

~~~~~~~~End Flashback~~~~~~~~

The song ended. "Here With Me" began, and Rory ignored the immediacy of its lyrics. She could recall everything so clearly. His words kept reverberating in her mind: _"I'm majoring in Literary Criticism...I'll come see you at Yale..."_ And more memorable than anything: _"I love you, Rory."_


	4. Honey and the Moon

**Ever Since Then**

**Chapter 4 - Honey and the Moon**

**Disclaimer:** Okay, I don't own GG, "Honey and the Moon" belongs to Joseph Arthur, and I don't own any books or movies mentioned. But you all knew that, because if I did own any of those things... Well, let's just leave it at I don't.

**A/N:** Thanks so much for the reviews! I'm really enjoying writing this, so I hope you all like it! And I think you can look forward to more regular updates from now on! Except school is being evil, and I usually have tons of work to do...what else is new? lol. But this is much more fun than geometry, so...*grins* Again, I'm sorry if the ad agency stuff isn't all correct! I hope it's ok. I'm trying to both get it accurately and make it fit with the story... Hey! Wow! I finished typing this in one afternoon. That's got to be a record for me. lol. Thanks to Dani for introducing me to this song with her awesome video! And thanks to Ali for suggesting this song to Dani!

And this chapter is also dedicated to Mandy, Steph, Jin, and everyone at the library bar! You guys are awesome and are so much fun to talk to!  Thanks for the Milodiles! And Steph, thanks especially for beta-ing this chapter and for being honest!! =D

********

"I've been driving for an hour, just talking to the rain..."

_Too true._

Of course, it wasn't raining. And it had barely been fifteen minutes. But what was the difference? She sighed. Thinking that out would just take too much...thought. Who knew where that sudden idea had come from? Who _cared_...

This kept happening. She would get into crappy moods for no reason, find herself falling deeper and deeper into it, and she would have no one there to take her hand and pull her back out. Not Jess, not Lorelai, not anyone. Stability, confidence, and the simple things she could rely on had all been pulled out from under her. The job at Geyser was like a ledge in the side of the chasm that Rory was hanging onto, while she climbed up the wall, ever-so-slowly.

She switched off the radio. Commercials. They were so damn annoying.

Complain, complain, complain.

Her stubbornness was still there, keeping those complaints inside and refusing to let her admit what was bothering her, even to herself. Jess used to say that was one of the few of her qualities that never surprised him.

Rory knew what it was this time, which was unusual... The information about that editor was now safely tucked inside her bag, in a well-worn blue folder, unread. It was for another time. Still, as she drove, it was continually gnawing at her. Maybe she should stop at a cafe, get some coffee, and read it already. Maybe this weird feeling about it meant something.

Maybe not.

She played a repetitive game. A solitary one. Work, get tired of it, stop, remember too much, get upset, and go back to working. One thing led to another. It could be a vicious circle at times. And having no one to lean on made it twice as bad. She wasn't used to that--she'd had someone there all her life.

Rory supposed she still did, maybe. The people hadn't disappeared. But things had changed. 

If only the world weren't so suddenly harsh. If only one problem or two, disrupting a normal lifestyle, didn't make everything seem ruined. If only she hadn't screwed everything up with him. If only she had the kind of courage necessary to fix broken things; to help others even when she _thought_ she also needed help.

All this wishing...

Back when Rory was in second grade, after the first day of school, Lorelai had taken her to the bookstore so she could pick something out. She had wandered around for a while and had finally chosen Holes, by Louis Sachar...it had been a great book.

_"If only, if only, the woodpecker sings..."_

Rory smiled a little at the memory. It would be nice just to think about whether you were going to get the book you wanted, if you were going to make friends at school, and if anyone would make fun of you for not understanding how to tie your shoes the right way.

God, she had to stop this. She shouldn't do this to herself. She didn't have the right to complain to herself, or to anyone. Her situation was _not that bad_. Not that bad.

Just keep saying that.

***

Rory pulled into the parking lot of "The Simple Things," a new and used bookshop she frequented more than any other place, except for her apartment and the Geyser building. She walked in and glanced around. It appeared empty.

"Another depressing day, huh?" said a voice to her left.

Rory nearly jumped, but realized who it was. "Alexa!"

A woman with strawberry blonde hair and piercing gray eyes was leaning against the doorjamb of the storeroom, looking at Rory.

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself."

"You don't even know me." This was what she said every time; a defense against Alexa's accusations. According to her, Rory needed to stop being so depressed, to stop feeling sorry for herself, to get up and take her life somewhere she wanted it to go. She had never told Alexa anything important about herself, but the core of it was still apparent. Alexa seemed to have a gift for hitting directly on problems. The worst part? Sometimes...Rory thought that maybe Alexa was right.

"I know enough." It was a response Rory was sick of hearing. It had been repeated too many times, by too many people who didn't know what they were saying. 

Okay, so it had only been a few people. Same difference. It got annoying.

"I don't need _help_," Rory said stubbornly. Like she was going to say anything now.

"Boy, are you gonna get shaken up, sooner or later," Alexa said, shaking her head and going to sit at her desk.

The only reason Alexa even knew her was all the times she'd visited the store. Rory didn't talk much, but then again, books could show a lot about a person...

Still. Back when everything was good...she could never hide her feelings from Jess, and not from Lorelai either, most of the time. Sometimes not even from Luke...

Still. Had she really become that transparent? The comment about getting shaken up was just slightly unnerving. Alexa had a talent for knowing these sorts of things. Rory shrugged the thought away and went back to perusing the shelves. She was comfortable here. Usually.

***

She didn't buy anything, but she was there for a couple hours, just looking. The familiar words were comforting, and stories--stories of people having adventures halfway around the world, stories of other universes and of different points of view--they were something she could always enjoy.

Rory finally decided it was time to leave. The sky was dimming as it got later, and with a glance at the window, she got up, reluctantly. Her face was reflected in the glass: a slightly shadowed version of what had been a smart, happy, enthusiastic person. Back before she screwed it up! She scolded herself mentally and sighed.

What did Alexa know?

Why did her comments seem to make so much sense? In a strange sort of way...

Rory slipped out the door, to her car, slamming the door with a noise that startled the silence of the darkening night. She drove away, back to her apartment. The bag, with the blue folder inside, was still under the seat.

She pulled into her usual parking space and took the bag inside, absentmindedly dropping it beside her desk. She lay back on her bed. She did not want to work right now. Ugh.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

She was lucky; it seemed like she'd gotten a more interesting client than usual. Groaning slightly, she rolled over and turned on the stereo again. The apartment's silence was getting to her.

She ought to just get out the folder and read the stupid thing.

But she didn't.

Rory reached over and pulled out a copy of The Eyre Affair. If only everyone could really disappear into books. But it didn't always turn out right, did it? Just like life. It hadn't for Thursday. But _she_ had found the guy she loved as a result...

Again, Rory reached out to turn the volume up. The lyrics rang in her ears, and she closed her eyes; memories replacing the empty walls.

"...you're the honey and the moon...that lights up my night..."

~~~~~~~~Flashback~~~~~~~~

_She'd been procrastinating, studying, writing...and now she had to finish this book again. Tonight. Her English Lit class was the next day, and the teacher was expecting notes, not just a knowledge of the story. She bent closer to the paper, highlighting and highlighting, drinking in the words without paying full attention to what she was reading._

_Then the door of the apartment opened with a crack, distracting her._

_"Hey." Jess leaned over, greeting her with a kiss._

_"Hey," Rory replied, kissing back._

_"What're you doing?" he asked casually, sitting next to her. She leaned back in her chair with a breath of annoyance at the assignment. She'd had enough work for tonight._

_"I have to finish this book."_

_"Can't take a break?" A grin flashed across his face, and there was a familiar mischievous look in his eyes._

_Rory sighed, trying and failing to appear exasperated, as much as she wanted to acquiesce to his 'request.'  "I need to finish this, Jess."_

_She got up to get herself more coffee, but Jess pulled her into his lap and kissed her again. She returned it, slipping her arms around him; he pulled her even closer. "Jess," she said breathlessly, resting her forehead against his._

_"Relax, I'll read it to you." He peered at the thick book: A Collection of Shakespeare. _

_"Jess..." she said again, leaning closer in spite of herself._

_"To be or not to be, that is the question," he quoted, in between kisses. "Whether 'tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of impending fortune--"_

_"You missed a line," she giggled._

_"Well, you're distracting me."_

_They stood, wrapping their arms around one another tightly._

_"Romeo, Romeo..." Rory teased._

_"I'm right here, Juliet." The customary 'Jess smirk' melted into a smile as he spoke, and he reached up to brush a strand of hair off Rory's face. Their kisses grew more and more passionate..._

~~~~~~~~End Flashback~~~~~~~~

Rory blinked fiercely. She'd liked coming home to that. Or rather, knowing that he would come home.

"...but right now, everything is turning blue...and right now, the sun is trying to kill the moon..."

_An accurate assessment_, Rory thought, with a definite hint of bitterness.

"...right now, everything you want is wrong..."

She had screwed it up. She had screwed it up. She had done a lot of things wrong.

She turned over and closed her eyes again, the radio fading from her mind as she fell asleep, and she did not get to reading the information that night. Outside, doors creaked, cars whizzed by, windows shut. She didn't remember what she dreamt.


End file.
